WHY THAT RELATIONSHIP FEELS OFF

God Didn’t Send Him — Trauma Did: When “Divine Alignment” is Actually Familiar Dysfunction

You were right all along, weren’t you? That nagging feeling, the subtle whisper that something just felt off… You felt it, even when you tried to silence it with spiritual justifications.

You, the highly skilled, successful Christian woman, who pours her heart into her faith and career, thought he was an answer to prayer. You hoped. You prayed. You convinced yourself it was “God’s will.” But deep down, the constant anxiety, the ignored boundaries, the feeling that you were “asking for too much” didn’t sit right.

This isn’t about shame, my friend. It’s about clarity. Because when you finally name the pattern, you take the first step toward breaking it.

The Subtle Deception of Familiarity

Here’s a truth about trauma that often goes unacknowledged: it doesn’t always show up as pain. Sometimes, it shows up as familiar.

Your brilliant, resilient nervous system, trained in the tender years of your development, learned a specific language of connection. It was taught, “This is what love feels like,” even if that love was inconsistent, emotionally distant, or required you to shrink yourself to receive it. Even if it hurt.

And here’s the gentle truth: just because it feels familiar doesn’t mean it’s right.

Not every intense connection is divine alignment. Sometimes, it’s not God sending him. Sometimes… it’s trauma reenactment.

I’ve heard this story countless times from women just like you: smart, prayerful, deeply faithful, yet entangled in painful romantic relationships that eerily mirror the rejection, chaos, or emotional abandonment they experienced growing up. You’re a high-achiever in every other area of your life, but when it comes to love, you find yourself stuck in cycles that leave you feeling unseen, unheard, and perpetually striving.

When someone triggers your abandonment wound or treats you precisely how an emotionally unavailable parent did, your body, your nervous system, might interpret that as chemistry – not danger. Trauma doesn’t just make you tolerate red flags; it can actually train you to chase them.

The Invisible Pull: A Real-Life Example

Let me share a story (details changed for privacy):

I worked with a woman who, despite her incredible professional success, consistently found herself drawn to men who were emotionally distant, despite appearing spiritual on the surface. She’d meet a man who would pray with her on Monday, then ghost her by Friday. And she would stay, hoping he’d change.

Why? Because deep down, it wasn’t just about him. It was about a father who was physically present, perhaps even active in the church, but emotionally absent from her world. When this new man repeated that pattern, it felt, in a strange and painful way, like home.

Until she committed to the inner child healing work, she kept calling these situations “God’s process” or “a season of waiting.” But really, it was unresolved developmental trauma unconsciously calling her back to familiar pain, keeping her from the secure, intimate love she truly longed for. She was caught in the very cycles of maternal trauma and parental divorce that subtly shaped her early understanding of love and connection.

God’s Invitation to a New Kind of Love

Sometimes, God leads us through a quiet season not to punish us, but to heal our choosing pattern. To reset our nervous system. To remind us of a foundational truth that your past wounds might have obscured: You don’t need to earn love. You already are loved.

I’m reminded of the story of Jacob. He loved Rachel but was given Leah on his wedding night. He labored seven more years for the love he desired.

Many of us, especially high-achieving women are used to working hard for everything. Are you still laboring emotionally for someone who isn’t even yours to carry, or for a love that requires you to abandon yourself. But God never told you to work for love; He offered it freely, perfectly, and unconditionally.

And until you receive His love as your anchor – understanding Him as a safe, present, and unconditionally loving Father (and the one who can fill the void of maternal trauma) – you’ll keep chasing human connections that destabilize you, replicate past wounds, and keep you from the secure, authentic love you were created for.

This path is about recognizing the truth of your story, allowing God to heal the deeper wounds, and opening yourself to relationships – both romantic and platonic – that are rooted in His wholeness, not your past pain.

REFLECTION

What patterns have you recognized in your own romantic journey that, in hindsight, might have been a reflection of unhealed wounds rather than divine direction? Share in the comments below – let’s break these cycles together.

Ready to start this transformative work?

I’m Marvel Adeyemi, I specialize in guiding high-achieving Christian women through inner child healing to cultivate secure, God-honoring relationships.

Based in Ballarat, Victoria, I offer online coaching and therapy to Christian women worldwide who are ready to heal their past and embrace their God-given potential for wholehearted connection. Schedule a session here

Also my debut book, Beyond The Hurt contains lots of effective tools to support you on your healing journey.

Listen or Watch:

This blog post is adapted from a recent episode of my podcast. If you prefer to listen or watch on YOU TUBE